so friends. is this what they talk about? all i can do is listen to dashboard and stare into the bottom of this empty coffee cup.

"I'll wait until tomorrow
maybe you'll feel better then
maybe we'll be better then
so what's another day
when I can't bear these nights of thoughts of going on without you"

haha look at me, i feel like such a sad case.

"And don't ever leave here
and mope at your leisure
and straighten out your crease here
and truth is in a tall beer.

And time has been spread so thin
and its just hours till the day begins. "


im so tired. pull me out of this.

...theres really only one thing i want for christmas...

time to get ready for bed....ill be back....

"Ah...the dramas of the teenage life. How I miss those days. You feel like everything going on right now is so important, every boy, every word, every kiss. Yet 5 years from now, you'll barely remember why you even felt that way about that guy, and wonder "what the hell was I thinking". It happens. Its called Life. Welcome to the roller coaster. Buckle up, put your traytables in thier upright posistion, cause it never stops. Life keeps ticking on by, and you never get a chance to breathe. Cherish what you have now, cuz it'll be gone tomorrow." ~Akren


too true, i can just see myself in 5 years. head into some bar and order: "whiskey, neit." and remember. i hope i can hold onto this. these feelings. because right now they sure seem damn important. and i can see myself resting my head on my hand and wondering "what the hell was i thinking?" because life is going by too fast for my liking. it seems like i cant hold on. it seems like all i can do is sit back and watch it all
just
slip
through
my
fingers...
knock back the last of my drink and tip the bartender. drive home to my appartment. lay awake in bed and listen to the old songs play through my head. and let them bring it all back. all the feelings id thought id lost. and remember in the quiet darkness...how i miss those days...

heres some quotes from max payne that i like:

"The genious of the hole: No matter how long you spend climbing out, you can still fall back down in an instant."

"Death is inevitable. Our fear of it makes us play safe, blocks out emotion. Its a loosing game, without passion you are already dead."


"The illusion comes afterwards, when you ask "Why me?" and "What if?" When you look back, see the branches, like a pruned bonsai tree, or a forked lightning. If you had done somthing differently, it wouldn't be you, it would be someone else looking back, asking a different set of questions."

and the song that im listening to:

Fuel - Shimmer

She calls me from the cold
Just when I was low, feeling short of stable
And all that she intends
And all she keeps inside isn't on the label
She says she's ashamed
Can she take me for awhile
Can I be a friend, we'll forget the past
Or maybe I'm not able
And I break at the bend

We're here and now, will ever be again
'Cause I have found
All that shimmers in this world is sure to fade
Away again

She dreams a champagne dream
Strawberry suprise, pink linen on white paper
Lavender and cream
Fields of butterflies, reality escapes her
She says that love is for fools that fall behind,
And I'm somewhere between
Never really know
A killer from a savior
'Til I break at the bend

We're here and now, will ever be again
'Cause I have found
All that shimmers in this world is sure to fade
Away again

It's to far away for me to hold
To far away....
It's to far away for me to hold
To far away....

It's to far away for me to hold
To far away....
It's to far away for me to hold
To far away....
It's to far away for me to hold
To far away....

It's to far away for me to hold
To far away....

Guess I'll let it go....

applicable except for the last line...

and quotes from megan:

"And they expect so much from everything. We, as human, have become so spoiled over the years. We want everything on comand[...]"

ac repair love: u just sound so... down
Aveman20: hah, yeah im feeling pretty down
ac repair love: geh
Aveman20: because im at a loss
Aveman20: of what the hell to do
Aveman20: with everything
ac repair love: so then don't do anythign
Aveman20: if you chose to do nothing its still a choice
ac repair love: everythign that is supposed to happen, will happen, no matter what you do. so don't worry about it. sit back. and let it happen
Aveman20: easier said megs
ac repair love: duh. i knwo this
Aveman20: so freaking easier said
ac repair love: but i've been on both ends, and trust me, this way is eaier then u think
ac repair love: it's easier then stressing urself out
ac repair love: and feelin so down
ac repair love: cause all of that is total crap
Aveman20: and i know this
Aveman20: but here i am

yeah...here i am being a moron and a hyppocrite.

and kayte says:

"er... well... We are what we pretend to be... heh... you can take that as you will"



fuck....

what can you say when someone gives you one of those compliments that sort of...knocks you off your feet? the best i could come up with was "ah....thanks". haha, and now i feel dumb because..i dunno..that just sounds dumb. but thank you. really. for everything. its nice to fall asleep in a good mood. goodnight.

well. a good day. in this entry we'll assume its still yesterdaycause i havent gone to bed yet. and its freakin 4:25 am. hehe. today was nice. got up at 2. bad groggy headache. went to megs and watched chicago with kayte and megs. fun stuff. a nice good day for a change. heh....apparently im good at pointing out why guys are stupid...haha, i would know. geh. i picked up my guitar for the first time in a long time..months...it felt good to play again even though i cant play much. heh. looked up some dashboard confessional. found out its really hard to play. gar. cause they're really good. heh. which is good. i like listening to them. hmm played tic tac toe and did riddles with kat. funs. found some fun reading that i lost. "Coping With All The Ladies : The Axe Wearer's Handbook." haha great stuff. "How to turn a fivesome into a managable threesome" and "How to escape a friend's mom" also "How not to ruin a new pool table". haha funny. theres more, there all along those lines. funny. hehehe. ok. erm.. i believe the horribly earlyness is getting to me. but its fun, im relaxed, listening to soft music. hah, nathan is the only one up, hes crazy. not nate that kayte hits, another nate whos in college. he was a seinor when i was a freshman. he comes to lans n stuff. cool guy. hes borrowing some of my games and my DDR pads. GAR! wanted to play that today. lol. oh well, i had fun anyway. in fact, i think it was a better plan to hang at megs house anyway. hmmmm fun. well, dont want my parents to find me here, cause my mom already came down at 3:30 and told me to go to bed. lol. goodnight.

hoo hoo. im afraid to read other poples blogs after that last one. i think i should swear off posting after midnight cause....man look at the crap that comes out. ANYWAY. today wasnt bad eventhough i didnt do what i wanted too.hmm weekends are good. yeah...haha kat brought me tuna fish today. hehehe. and sometime, i should make a sandwich with it. bwahaha. excellent. well "thank god for the delete button" yeah thats what im thinking right now, but i think ill leave last nights horrible break down plus rambling up there. cause...i dunno just cause. blargh. i definitely want to play pool this weekend. ooh and see last samurai with the nickster. yah. and justin. woo....hmm..ill think up some other stuff to write later.

FUCK. i was writing and then POOF gone! FUUUCK! well here we go again.
so yeah. i feel like ive been overly vague and ambiguous lately. and that its been fucking things up for me. i read kaytes blog and its like "woah, fuck...am i doing that?" of course i dont know because i dont like to assume and of course it dosnt say. so....to an old friend of mine i say "because im not really thinking clearly" and she says "thats a broken record statement are you ever thinking clearly?" or somthing along those lines. made me realise im a fucking dumbass and shouldhave been honest from the start and not kept all this shit inside because its only making things worse.

tact

Pronunciation: (takt), [key]
—n.
1. a keen sense of what to say or do to avoid giving offense; skill in dealing with difficult or delicate situations.
2. a keen sense of what is appropriate, tasteful, or aesthetically pleasing; taste; discrimination.

tact•less

Pronunciation: (takt'lis), [key]
—adj.
lacking tact; showing no tact; undiplomatic; offendingly blunt: a tactless remark.


yep. fits me to a fucking T. hmm maybe thats why ive never had a girlfriend. well since the probablility of anyone reading this before i get to talk to kayte about it is low. ill spill right here and now. itl help me remember what to say...
but knowing fate....shell probably get up early and get a random thought to read blogs or...ill fuking chicken out or....i wont be able to find her during lunch. ANYWAY. lets hit it shal we? heres a fucking messed up story.

Kayte....
after a little more than two and a half weeks, she breaks it off. what i remember the most is having this big ass stupid fat grin on my face while she told me. i believe it was because i was laughing at myself. at how things turned out. because i saw it coming. and there was nothing i could do about it. yeah...the journal entry before i got all vague. i was expecting it to happen that day. haha. bam. it hit me right in the face. and yes. i respected that she didnt think she was ready for a boyfriend. thats cool with me....yeah right. of course i have to get all fucking EMO about it because....eventhough it would be better for her, it was sort of messed up for me. and yes i was glad that she might be able to be happy again. but of course...its more complicated than that isnt it. on the same day after school. chess club. i find out that kaiti's date to the snow-glow ditched her. so i ask her to go with me because i didnt have any reason to go then. i wasnt being hopefull and hoping that shed take me back. i was down. because i still wanted to go cause raving is fun. even if its psudo school raving. because i hated that she felt bad cause dates ditching really sucks bad. and i knew wed have fun cause were buddies. it was a friend deal. not an ask on a date deal. of course...i find out that im driving kayte half insane because she dosnt know whats going on because im TACTLESS. fuck. anyway...im reading blogs. and phrases are repeating themselves over and over in my head.
an example:
I AM: Kayte
I WANT: To take it back
I WISH: I hadn't done it

And im thinking that kat might like me because i ASSUMED. and that was making thinking difficult. but now it seems she was talking about alex the whole time. haha im SO SCREWED UP! And here i am. right now. 1 am. im being depressed and vague in my previous blog entries and it seems to be fucking things up.
TACTLESS.
It seemed like she wanted to say somthing at lunch but she didnt and then her blog says she wanted to do somthing and didnt. so i wonder. and my one fucking track mind is wondering if she was going to take me back. because what would be really great is if she would take me back. because...man wouldnt that just be fucking awesome? so tomarrow. (today) im going to ask her what she thinks. because i think we each deserve to know how the other is feeling. well especially her. because im TACTLESS!
i want to say that i would really love it if she took me back, and i want to know if she wants me to wait for her to decide if shes ready to or not. or if she actually wants to beak it off. like full like. but i being TACTLESS will probably say the wrong fucking things and put pressure on her. the last thing i want her to feel is pressure. haha kayte, even if you werent talking about me being tactless. i am anyway. and i know i am. SO THE MORAL FOLKS. is that sometimes it dosnt help to keep things to yourself. to bottle it up. cause then it explodes. like it did right now. onto this god damn blog.. fuck. what im i going to do? if i actually post this then i have to talk about it because if i dont then shel just read it when she gets home. and it wont be the same as me saying it to her. in person....shit...how am i supposed to sleep now? son of a ....GAAAAAAAAHHHH..R@r. well heres hoping that i dont fuck things up even more by doing this. but i know imn my case. it always helps to know how someone feels, because it cuts out the wondering part of it, of thinking, and that part sucks. yeah..thanks megan, i really admire your courage, the fact that you could just tell me. i have to say i look up to you for that one. heres hoping i can do it myself. heh. and theres probably a lot of spelling mistakes in this. i think max payne said it best even though its a video game haha, its got kickass good writers. even though i cant remember the quote it goes somthing like...death , and the fear of it makes us play it safe...but without passion, your already dead. ....man ive got to get the quote cause it was way better, but i hope you get the idea. hell, even if i mess things up with this, i think i can atleast say i tried. shit. lets hope the .//HackSign OST(official sound track? anyway, its music from the anime series.) can put me to sleep like it did last night. and i was actually trying to stay up last night. blah. anyway, this was a long one. i do feel little lighter after writing it, strangely enough. so heres to tomorrow. goodnight.

i dunno...i think i fucked up...im sorry if i hurt you....i didnt mean to...

i still like her so much. and ill wait. because i couldnt stand to do anything else. and the fact that im getting my hopes up for dreams. for wishes. but "a man can dream cant he?" and you can bet....im dreaming. because its the only thing thats keeping me from falling.

so yeah...i realised that no one can probably understand my psychobabble down below. what it was were thoughts i was having at the time. and i put em in quotes. and man. i feel somewhat better after the concert...and man...its cold outside. and man...i think its gonna be hard to sleep tonight.

im in a cold sweat. the bad feelings come and go. wash over me like waves. threatening to drown me. please dont think that im not hurting, im still torn up inside.