hoo hoo. im afraid to read other poples blogs after that last one. i think i should swear off posting after midnight cause....man look at the crap that comes out. ANYWAY. today wasnt bad eventhough i didnt do what i wanted too.hmm weekends are good. yeah...haha kat brought me tuna fish today. hehehe. and sometime, i should make a sandwich with it. bwahaha. excellent. well "thank god for the delete button" yeah thats what im thinking right now, but i think ill leave last nights horrible break down plus rambling up there. cause...i dunno just cause. blargh. i definitely want to play pool this weekend. ooh and see last samurai with the nickster. yah. and justin. woo....hmm..ill think up some other stuff to write later.

FUCK. i was writing and then POOF gone! FUUUCK! well here we go again.
so yeah. i feel like ive been overly vague and ambiguous lately. and that its been fucking things up for me. i read kaytes blog and its like "woah, fuck...am i doing that?" of course i dont know because i dont like to assume and of course it dosnt say. so....to an old friend of mine i say "because im not really thinking clearly" and she says "thats a broken record statement are you ever thinking clearly?" or somthing along those lines. made me realise im a fucking dumbass and shouldhave been honest from the start and not kept all this shit inside because its only making things worse.

tact

Pronunciation: (takt), [key]
—n.
1. a keen sense of what to say or do to avoid giving offense; skill in dealing with difficult or delicate situations.
2. a keen sense of what is appropriate, tasteful, or aesthetically pleasing; taste; discrimination.

tact•less

Pronunciation: (takt'lis), [key]
—adj.
lacking tact; showing no tact; undiplomatic; offendingly blunt: a tactless remark.


yep. fits me to a fucking T. hmm maybe thats why ive never had a girlfriend. well since the probablility of anyone reading this before i get to talk to kayte about it is low. ill spill right here and now. itl help me remember what to say...
but knowing fate....shell probably get up early and get a random thought to read blogs or...ill fuking chicken out or....i wont be able to find her during lunch. ANYWAY. lets hit it shal we? heres a fucking messed up story.

Kayte....
after a little more than two and a half weeks, she breaks it off. what i remember the most is having this big ass stupid fat grin on my face while she told me. i believe it was because i was laughing at myself. at how things turned out. because i saw it coming. and there was nothing i could do about it. yeah...the journal entry before i got all vague. i was expecting it to happen that day. haha. bam. it hit me right in the face. and yes. i respected that she didnt think she was ready for a boyfriend. thats cool with me....yeah right. of course i have to get all fucking EMO about it because....eventhough it would be better for her, it was sort of messed up for me. and yes i was glad that she might be able to be happy again. but of course...its more complicated than that isnt it. on the same day after school. chess club. i find out that kaiti's date to the snow-glow ditched her. so i ask her to go with me because i didnt have any reason to go then. i wasnt being hopefull and hoping that shed take me back. i was down. because i still wanted to go cause raving is fun. even if its psudo school raving. because i hated that she felt bad cause dates ditching really sucks bad. and i knew wed have fun cause were buddies. it was a friend deal. not an ask on a date deal. of course...i find out that im driving kayte half insane because she dosnt know whats going on because im TACTLESS. fuck. anyway...im reading blogs. and phrases are repeating themselves over and over in my head.
an example:
I AM: Kayte
I WANT: To take it back
I WISH: I hadn't done it

And im thinking that kat might like me because i ASSUMED. and that was making thinking difficult. but now it seems she was talking about alex the whole time. haha im SO SCREWED UP! And here i am. right now. 1 am. im being depressed and vague in my previous blog entries and it seems to be fucking things up.
TACTLESS.
It seemed like she wanted to say somthing at lunch but she didnt and then her blog says she wanted to do somthing and didnt. so i wonder. and my one fucking track mind is wondering if she was going to take me back. because what would be really great is if she would take me back. because...man wouldnt that just be fucking awesome? so tomarrow. (today) im going to ask her what she thinks. because i think we each deserve to know how the other is feeling. well especially her. because im TACTLESS!
i want to say that i would really love it if she took me back, and i want to know if she wants me to wait for her to decide if shes ready to or not. or if she actually wants to beak it off. like full like. but i being TACTLESS will probably say the wrong fucking things and put pressure on her. the last thing i want her to feel is pressure. haha kayte, even if you werent talking about me being tactless. i am anyway. and i know i am. SO THE MORAL FOLKS. is that sometimes it dosnt help to keep things to yourself. to bottle it up. cause then it explodes. like it did right now. onto this god damn blog.. fuck. what im i going to do? if i actually post this then i have to talk about it because if i dont then shel just read it when she gets home. and it wont be the same as me saying it to her. in person....shit...how am i supposed to sleep now? son of a ....GAAAAAAAAHHHH..R@r. well heres hoping that i dont fuck things up even more by doing this. but i know imn my case. it always helps to know how someone feels, because it cuts out the wondering part of it, of thinking, and that part sucks. yeah..thanks megan, i really admire your courage, the fact that you could just tell me. i have to say i look up to you for that one. heres hoping i can do it myself. heh. and theres probably a lot of spelling mistakes in this. i think max payne said it best even though its a video game haha, its got kickass good writers. even though i cant remember the quote it goes somthing like...death , and the fear of it makes us play it safe...but without passion, your already dead. ....man ive got to get the quote cause it was way better, but i hope you get the idea. hell, even if i mess things up with this, i think i can atleast say i tried. shit. lets hope the .//HackSign OST(official sound track? anyway, its music from the anime series.) can put me to sleep like it did last night. and i was actually trying to stay up last night. blah. anyway, this was a long one. i do feel little lighter after writing it, strangely enough. so heres to tomorrow. goodnight.

i dunno...i think i fucked up...im sorry if i hurt you....i didnt mean to...

i still like her so much. and ill wait. because i couldnt stand to do anything else. and the fact that im getting my hopes up for dreams. for wishes. but "a man can dream cant he?" and you can bet....im dreaming. because its the only thing thats keeping me from falling.

so yeah...i realised that no one can probably understand my psychobabble down below. what it was were thoughts i was having at the time. and i put em in quotes. and man. i feel somewhat better after the concert...and man...its cold outside. and man...i think its gonna be hard to sleep tonight.

im in a cold sweat. the bad feelings come and go. wash over me like waves. threatening to drown me. please dont think that im not hurting, im still torn up inside.

a choice.
one of the worst things ever created was the choice.
now i realise, that one of the worst things life forces you to do..is choose.
like the bad guy making the hero chose betwen his love....or the bus full of innocent children.
you cant chose them both.
you cant wait to see what happens. then you lose them both.
and yet you cant choose between the two.
either choice would make you regret not choosing the other.
are people selfish? probably
and even though the hero always finds the way to save them both....life almost never lets you.
this is hard. my heart and mind are fighting with eachother.

"no one can see past a choice that they don't understand." ~The Oracle, Matrix Revolutions

i can anticipate the bad endings of each choice. but there is no way to tell what could happen. "i have to get over the fact that i can't make everyone happy." thats what my mind says. of course my heart says "theres a way! you just have to find it."

"Why dont you start thinking of yourself for a change?"
"But thats so selfish....i dont want to be like all he other guys. i dont want to be that way. i dont want to be selfish."
"you have to choose..and soon"
"i know. i just need more time...there has to be a way. dosnt there?"
"you know that you cant refuse to choose"
"of course, then its bad for everyone. its like chosing none at all."
"so then you admit that you have to chose one. you cant bs this one, you cant half choose. pick a path and walk it"
"shit...yeah...i know...ahhhh shit."

a choice between two is hard enough. the fact that the third choice, eventhough theres a big chance that it dosnt work out....theres a third choice....and it haunts you.

"why so soon? i dont want to be an asshole. a jerk. a scumbag. what if she wants me to wait for her?"
"then that would be taking that choice wouldnt it."
"i guess....but would it?"
"would the others wait for you to wait?"
"they might, but would i want them to? they would probably understand. but could i do that to them? people are not dolls. i dont want to treat them like dolls."
"Realise that you have more time than you think. this time is given to you. you have plenty of time. but.."
"i know...i will have to make a choice eventually"

so erm...thats pretty much been my train of thought while i was writing. and i did organise some things. and i did realise that i do have some time. i can relax more after i realised that.

phrases. certian phrases keep saying themselves (is that the right way to say it?) in my head. sort of arguments for the choices, each phrase making me want to look in the direction of the its path. and wonder what i might find further down. because i cant see it. id have to take the path to see whats down it. but its about 1:15 am. and im starting to sound crazy even to myself. hehe, photoshop wings. lol. my thoughts are in recent hours drifting to art. i was drawing sketches and comprehensive drawing like things in my bed...but i was getting so tired that the drawings got less and less accurate. so i came and typped. lol. its time for sleep...goodnight and sweet dreams.

hmm another post after midnight. i feel sorta wierd. im not in the usual emo mood that i fall into, but im not quite peppy either. playing some natural selection cheered me up. but my head is heavy. ive got to get up early tomarrow. and theres some things that im half expecting tomarrow. although the things i expect are usually the opposite of what turns out. who knows. i certianly dont and thats for sure, but ill remain optomistic...ish. geh. i guess ill go to bed now. and im gonna delete those 3 doors down lyrics. cause even though they're one of my fave bands. that song is taking up a lot of space n stuff. plus i dont feel that way anymore. that cd was just bringing back some harsh memories. anyway, ive stopped feeling tired. must mean its time for bed. goodnight.

yes yes. last night was lots of fun. USO swing dance with Kat and Megan. sad that Kayte couldnt make it though. good jazz music and things megs put red lipstick on my collar. lol. and dancing was fun, i did it most of the time. and before that i went out for mc'ds and coffee with megs. lunch of champions. lol. too much fog to see the sunrise. so i just watched everything get whiter out my window and fell back asleep this morning. maybe cause i havent had breakfast yet, but im not feeling too good. oh well i guess im done....

Dashboard Confessional - Again I go Unnoticed

so quiet
another wasted night,
the television steals the conversation.
exhale.
another wasted breath,
again it goes unnoticed.
please tell me you're just feeling tired
'cause if it's more than that I fear that I might break
out of touch, out of time.
please send me anything but signals that are mixed
'cause I can't read your rolling eyes.
out of touch, are we out of time?
Close lipped.
another goodnight kiss,
is robbed of all it's passion.
your grip
another time, is slack
it leaves me feeling empty.
please tell me you're just feeling tired
'cause if it's more than that I feel that I might break
out of touch, out of time.
please send me anything but signals that are mixed
'cause I can't read your rolling eyes.
out of touch, are we out of time?
I'll wait until tomorrow
maybe you'll feel better then
maybe we'll be better then
so what's another day
when I can't bear these nights of thoughts of going on without you
this mood of yours is temporary
it seems worth the wait
to see you smile again.
out of the corner of your eye
won't be the only way you're looking at me then.
so quiet
another wasted night
the televison steals the conversation
exhale.
another wasted breath
again it goes unnoticed

Comfort

Go ahead and lean on my shoulder.
I'll be there to catch you when you fall.
To Wrap my arms around you
And carry you over these walls.

I'll never let you down
Cause I can't bear...
to see you drowning.

Pull me out, I'll pull you up
And things just might get better,
when we're finished.

Go ahead and call me
I'll be there to listen while you talk.
Talk to me about a choice,
I'll be happy just to hear your voice.

I can never let you down.
Cause I can't bear...
to hear you hurting.

Pull me out, I'll pull you up
And things just might get better,
when we're finished.

Go ahead and kiss me.
I'll be there to kiss you right back.
Wrap my arms around you,
And wish that maybe this could last forever...

Maybe you should pull me down,
Cause I cant bear to be...
still on the ground.



i wrote it during english today..and yeah..i like it.

yeah sorry, its been a while since my last entry, but my brain has been busy. i guess i could write some stuff about whats going on though. today i went to SPECTRUM. gay streight allience club. cause my friend kat invited me to go. twas cool. then afterward we walked with megan and kayte and nikki and alexis...i think thats everyone. so we sat in a corner, and it was freakin sticky on the floor, but everyone was havin fun with duct tape. megan got spoka-dots. fun stuff. then school started and we cooked stew stuff in japanese. twas good. used it as my lunch. and our japanese pen pals came to meet us. theyre like 18, 19 or so. gave them a nice akward tour around campus. wheeeeee. they were nice though. gave us candy. which i enjoyed. haha. yeah im excited for tomarrow! but i cant tell you why cause its a suprise. hehehe. ah, i guess im done though. i might start posting some of the poems and sttuff that im doing, cause those are cool i think. but anyway. goodnight