i dunno...i think i fucked up...im sorry if i hurt you....i didnt mean to...

i still like her so much. and ill wait. because i couldnt stand to do anything else. and the fact that im getting my hopes up for dreams. for wishes. but "a man can dream cant he?" and you can bet....im dreaming. because its the only thing thats keeping me from falling.

so yeah...i realised that no one can probably understand my psychobabble down below. what it was were thoughts i was having at the time. and i put em in quotes. and man. i feel somewhat better after the concert...and man...its cold outside. and man...i think its gonna be hard to sleep tonight.

im in a cold sweat. the bad feelings come and go. wash over me like waves. threatening to drown me. please dont think that im not hurting, im still torn up inside.

a choice.
one of the worst things ever created was the choice.
now i realise, that one of the worst things life forces you to do..is choose.
like the bad guy making the hero chose betwen his love....or the bus full of innocent children.
you cant chose them both.
you cant wait to see what happens. then you lose them both.
and yet you cant choose between the two.
either choice would make you regret not choosing the other.
are people selfish? probably
and even though the hero always finds the way to save them both....life almost never lets you.
this is hard. my heart and mind are fighting with eachother.

"no one can see past a choice that they don't understand." ~The Oracle, Matrix Revolutions

i can anticipate the bad endings of each choice. but there is no way to tell what could happen. "i have to get over the fact that i can't make everyone happy." thats what my mind says. of course my heart says "theres a way! you just have to find it."

"Why dont you start thinking of yourself for a change?"
"But thats so selfish....i dont want to be like all he other guys. i dont want to be that way. i dont want to be selfish."
"you have to choose..and soon"
"i know. i just need more time...there has to be a way. dosnt there?"
"you know that you cant refuse to choose"
"of course, then its bad for everyone. its like chosing none at all."
"so then you admit that you have to chose one. you cant bs this one, you cant half choose. pick a path and walk it"
"shit...yeah...i know...ahhhh shit."

a choice between two is hard enough. the fact that the third choice, eventhough theres a big chance that it dosnt work out....theres a third choice....and it haunts you.

"why so soon? i dont want to be an asshole. a jerk. a scumbag. what if she wants me to wait for her?"
"then that would be taking that choice wouldnt it."
"i guess....but would it?"
"would the others wait for you to wait?"
"they might, but would i want them to? they would probably understand. but could i do that to them? people are not dolls. i dont want to treat them like dolls."
"Realise that you have more time than you think. this time is given to you. you have plenty of time. but.."
"i know...i will have to make a choice eventually"

so erm...thats pretty much been my train of thought while i was writing. and i did organise some things. and i did realise that i do have some time. i can relax more after i realised that.

phrases. certian phrases keep saying themselves (is that the right way to say it?) in my head. sort of arguments for the choices, each phrase making me want to look in the direction of the its path. and wonder what i might find further down. because i cant see it. id have to take the path to see whats down it. but its about 1:15 am. and im starting to sound crazy even to myself. hehe, photoshop wings. lol. my thoughts are in recent hours drifting to art. i was drawing sketches and comprehensive drawing like things in my bed...but i was getting so tired that the drawings got less and less accurate. so i came and typped. lol. its time for sleep...goodnight and sweet dreams.

hmm another post after midnight. i feel sorta wierd. im not in the usual emo mood that i fall into, but im not quite peppy either. playing some natural selection cheered me up. but my head is heavy. ive got to get up early tomarrow. and theres some things that im half expecting tomarrow. although the things i expect are usually the opposite of what turns out. who knows. i certianly dont and thats for sure, but ill remain optomistic...ish. geh. i guess ill go to bed now. and im gonna delete those 3 doors down lyrics. cause even though they're one of my fave bands. that song is taking up a lot of space n stuff. plus i dont feel that way anymore. that cd was just bringing back some harsh memories. anyway, ive stopped feeling tired. must mean its time for bed. goodnight.

yes yes. last night was lots of fun. USO swing dance with Kat and Megan. sad that Kayte couldnt make it though. good jazz music and things megs put red lipstick on my collar. lol. and dancing was fun, i did it most of the time. and before that i went out for mc'ds and coffee with megs. lunch of champions. lol. too much fog to see the sunrise. so i just watched everything get whiter out my window and fell back asleep this morning. maybe cause i havent had breakfast yet, but im not feeling too good. oh well i guess im done....

Dashboard Confessional - Again I go Unnoticed

so quiet
another wasted night,
the television steals the conversation.
exhale.
another wasted breath,
again it goes unnoticed.
please tell me you're just feeling tired
'cause if it's more than that I fear that I might break
out of touch, out of time.
please send me anything but signals that are mixed
'cause I can't read your rolling eyes.
out of touch, are we out of time?
Close lipped.
another goodnight kiss,
is robbed of all it's passion.
your grip
another time, is slack
it leaves me feeling empty.
please tell me you're just feeling tired
'cause if it's more than that I feel that I might break
out of touch, out of time.
please send me anything but signals that are mixed
'cause I can't read your rolling eyes.
out of touch, are we out of time?
I'll wait until tomorrow
maybe you'll feel better then
maybe we'll be better then
so what's another day
when I can't bear these nights of thoughts of going on without you
this mood of yours is temporary
it seems worth the wait
to see you smile again.
out of the corner of your eye
won't be the only way you're looking at me then.
so quiet
another wasted night
the televison steals the conversation
exhale.
another wasted breath
again it goes unnoticed

Comfort

Go ahead and lean on my shoulder.
I'll be there to catch you when you fall.
To Wrap my arms around you
And carry you over these walls.

I'll never let you down
Cause I can't bear...
to see you drowning.

Pull me out, I'll pull you up
And things just might get better,
when we're finished.

Go ahead and call me
I'll be there to listen while you talk.
Talk to me about a choice,
I'll be happy just to hear your voice.

I can never let you down.
Cause I can't bear...
to hear you hurting.

Pull me out, I'll pull you up
And things just might get better,
when we're finished.

Go ahead and kiss me.
I'll be there to kiss you right back.
Wrap my arms around you,
And wish that maybe this could last forever...

Maybe you should pull me down,
Cause I cant bear to be...
still on the ground.



i wrote it during english today..and yeah..i like it.

yeah sorry, its been a while since my last entry, but my brain has been busy. i guess i could write some stuff about whats going on though. today i went to SPECTRUM. gay streight allience club. cause my friend kat invited me to go. twas cool. then afterward we walked with megan and kayte and nikki and alexis...i think thats everyone. so we sat in a corner, and it was freakin sticky on the floor, but everyone was havin fun with duct tape. megan got spoka-dots. fun stuff. then school started and we cooked stew stuff in japanese. twas good. used it as my lunch. and our japanese pen pals came to meet us. theyre like 18, 19 or so. gave them a nice akward tour around campus. wheeeeee. they were nice though. gave us candy. which i enjoyed. haha. yeah im excited for tomarrow! but i cant tell you why cause its a suprise. hehehe. ah, i guess im done though. i might start posting some of the poems and sttuff that im doing, cause those are cool i think. but anyway. goodnight

my mind was blank, not to many tangible thoughts. and after writing one poem, i feel completely different. its hard to describe.i wonder what tomarrow will be like. gah. well going. seeya.

yeah, heres another pic that i did. originally for an english project, but i still like it. it was originally named Sunset_With_Fractals, but i realised that read and orange are a bit more sunrisey. anyway, you can click on it to see a slightly larger one, but since the pic hosting is stoopid its too big to display full size..but anyways. enjoy.