so apparently ive re-arranged my thoughts. overnight it would seem. after a couple hours of thinking. and then drifting in and out of sleep untill morning. things began to click. lol i described it as pulling myself out of my meloncholy pilly hole long enough to ask why i was still there. and recieving no real answer. that night. i started to ask some questions. i had easily slipped into despair. somthing that seems easy to slip into. i asked....who am i? and what am i doing here? yes. hard questions, but ones that needed to be asked. i realised what i wanted to actually try and be. theres no real fame and glory to it and theres little to no chance of becoming "the best there is" but it would be somthing i think i could stick with. and maybe do some of the short works ive come up with in my head sometime on the future if i ever have a team. haha what you may ask? 3d animator. yep. because i realised that i really dont have the paitence for modeling. but animating. yeah. now thats cool. now i just need to learn how to do inverse kinnematic chains, bone setups, and skin setups. haha yeah. go me. either that or special effects would be fun. yeah and i still would like to learn how to draw better because i have a coiple characters that i think would be fun to do somthing with...anyway. after that. which went on for quite a while mind you. i realised that i was screwing this up by being so down for no reason. yeah once again. i learned the seemingly obvious. the hard way. its the friendship thats really important. id lost one already. and i was losing another. and getting down about it which caused things to be worse causing me to be more down...yeah. bad cycle. so hopefully im over that now....i became what i hoped i really never would be. typical. you say "handled naturally" eh...i wouldnt say it was the best way to handle it....so im sorry once again, even though you say i dont have to say it. this of course...got me thinking of my lost friendship.

we havent spoken a word to eachother since that day in december. im also pretty sure that you've refrained from even looking at me. things i've realised tonight....id had this whole list of "justifications" "reasons" "my side of things" that i wanted to tell you. tonight i realised that things i had come up with were....not good at all. i actually wonder if you even read this anymore. the fact is. i realised that i was truly an asshole. and a jerk. i've missed your friendship. and now even more. i hoped by slight chance that you might still be on tonight. so i might say a few words. ask for what i dont think i really deserve from you. of course its a horribble hour and a school night so youre not. maybe we could catch up sometime. about the last two months. maybe im just dreaming of that chance, but i hope we can talk sometime...

i feel more like myself again. after these things. hopefully im growing up. even if it's just a little. well i think ill be done. goodnight.

statement: last night i rambled about machines taking over the world
realisation: wow... i was really tired last night.

i had a pretty good day today.
after a cup of coffee and a cinnamon twist i was jittery, so i had another cup.
i bought two cookies and gave one to kaiti.
i drove around glenrose while the sun set.
i have important english homework that i havent started yet.
i realised that i type short scentences.
pondering the obvious is fun.
in order to give computers intellegence we would have to give them room to have imperfections. i know this sounds dysmal but sometimes emotions complicate things. fear. worry. assumptions. overanalysing....wouldnt computers be scary if they could do that? and the fact that currently, if you think about it. computers are running most of the world right now. if we gave them intelligence...wouldnt we be giving them horrible power? in order to givethem intelligince we would have to give them the ability to make mistakes. seeing as intelligence is really "imperfect" and inferior to lines of code. 1+1 will always equal 2. it wont sometimes equal 4 or accidentally equal 3...of course you try to keep the "pull the plug" option available. but dosnt that become null when the machines can guard the plug with weapons of..people killage. haha look. im typing the "terminator" series. when the machines realise that we are infirrior and they dont need us anymore. the only logical option is to destry us. after all, we use resources that they would need for their survival. then again along with intelligence comes emotion and there will probably be the sympathetic machines. seaking peace. who will most likely be destroyed or ignored by the more powerfull machines in the society. wow...welcome to politics. that would be a good movie dont you think....? the machines have killed us all. but they're exactly like us. and the "human race" happens again....untill the machines create their destroyer...who would most likely be just a superior version of themselves. and it becomes a paradox. the phrase "playing god" becomes applicable. didnt he/she presumably create humankind in his own image? and here we are....fantasizing about creating machine-kind in our own image. hoo boy. i think, i think too much. and i think ill be done for now. ending with more AFI (as if i havent posted enough of them already =D)
yeah i know these lyrics are sad, but i like them anyway.

A.F.I. - Dancing Through Sunday

Will you join me in this dance, this dance of misery
Cradled in imposs... impossibility?
Swooning, I am swept away
Swept off my feet, with step by step by step
We take the lead as drop by drop, we start... to bleed

(Oh, we dance in misery)
And we dance on, and we dance on
(Oh, we dance in misery)
All lost in the arms of our misery, oh
(Oh, we dance in misery)
And we dance on, and we dance on
Swept off our feet by misery, we're swept into the shadows

Will you lend yourself to beauty that will horrify?
Let me hide within your black, the still inside your eyes
Deafened, caught within a cry
So sensual, as step by step by step, I seperate
As breath to breath, as I... suffocate

(Oh, we dance in misery)
And we dance on, and we dance on
(Oh, we dance in misery)
All lost in the arms of our misery, oh
(Oh, we dance in misery)
And we dance on, and we dance on
Swept off our feet by misery, we're swept into the shadows

So who will follow? Who is the lead?
I know I'll leave a stain, because I bleed
As we dance, we all dance
We all... have no chance in this horrid romance

(Oh, we dance in misery)
And we dance on, and we dance on
(Oh, we dance in misery)
All lost in the arms of our misery, oh
(Oh, we dance in misery)
And we dance on, and we dance on
Swept off our feet by misery, we're swept into the shadows
Swept off our feet by misery, we're swept into the shadows

hmm yes. i have homework i need to do. blah. maybe ill go do it at starbucks. that would be fun. its actually a pretty day today. i should go outside....or somthing. lol. yes. well you know. not much else to write. a good luck to Megan R. things will turn out alright. okay so i think im done. seeya.

I... I came here by day, but I left here in darkness
And found you, found you on the way
And now, it is silver and silent, it is silver and cold
You, in somber resplendence, I hold

Your sins into me
Oh, my beautiful one
Your sins into me

Just like romantic verses, just like a joyous end
Just like a memory, it twists me

I watch the stars as they fall from the sky
I held a fallen star and it wept for me, dying
I feel the fallen stars encircle me now, as they cry

You land as lightly as the new snow, cinematic
Onto the melting boy, and melt away

In the glitter, in the dark, sunk into velvet
Praying this will never end

As waves of plastic fame go out of fashion

From above a rain of ashes descends
Anathema I will remain, forever will remain

Dancing in the rain of descending ash

Walked away, heard them say
"Poison hearts will never change, walk away again"
Turned away in disgrace
Felt the chill upon my face cooling from within

It's hard to notice gleaming from the sky
When you're staring at the cracks
It's hard to notice what is passing by with eyes lowered

As I... walked away, heard them say
"Poisoned hearts will never change"

....i dont believe them. no. i wont believe them.

the title of this song... i like it..and it sounds good

A.F.I. - Girl's Not Grey

I'll lay me down tonight
Much further down
Swim in the calm tonight
This art does drown

(What follows) me as the whitest lace of light
(Will swallow whole) just begs to be imbrued?
What follows has lead me to this place
where I belong, with all erased

All insects sing tonight
The coldest sound
I'd send God's grace tonight
Could it be found?

(What follows) me as the whitest lace of light
(Will swallow whole) just begs to be imbrued?
What follows has lead me to this place
where I belong, with all erased

I'll lay me down tonight
Much further down
Watch stars go out tonight
On sinking ground

I'll lay me down, I'll lay me down

(What follows) me as the whitest lace of light
(Will swallow whole) just begs to be imbrued?
What follows has lead me to this place
where I belong, with all erased

What follows will swallow whole
What follows will swallow whole

Your sins into me, oh my beautiful one...

lol. the phrase of my life. ok maybe not. maybe i just freakin love that song. lol eh. in need of a soul vacation. yeah i know thats selfish but i need time to think. and sleep. its like nothing has definition anymore. a blury world. i need to get a grip. i need to remember what im doing here. but i really am alright. the dance tomorrow should be awesome goofing around fun yay! and yes i love the previous song to death but lyrics get changed because i love this one too. lol.


A.F.I. - This Celluloid Dream

Calling tears from deep inside, oh, you're so exquisite
And in the mirror, all midnight eyes
Oh, if I could remain, but it's just a visit
All midnight eyes read "vacancy"
Twisted, twisting

To the lovely dancing lights, I begged, "May I cut in?"
But they never stopped playing "their song"
Of a joyous song the sing, I've heard whispers
On a freezing note, I resonate

Just like romantic verses, just like a joyous end
Just like a memory, it twists me
Just like romantic verses, just like a joyous end
Twist... twisting me

You land as lightly as the new snow, cinematic
Onto the melting boy, and melt away
You light as gently, you're so cinematic
Bathed in your radiance, I melt

In the glitter, in the dark, sunk into velvet
Praying this will never end
In the shadow of a star, in static pallor
I realized I never began

Just like romantic verses, just like a joyous end
Just like a memory, it twists me
Just like romantic verses, just like a joyous end
Twist... twisting me

You land as lightly as the new snow, cinematic
Onto the melting boy, and melt away
You light as gently, you're so cinematic
Bathed in your radiance, I melt

All the colours upon leaving, all will turn to grey
All the colours upon leaving, all will turn to grey
(All grey) All the colours (All grey) upon leaving
(All grey) all will turn to grey
(All grey) All the colours (All grey) upon leaving
(All grey) all will turn to grey... grey...

You land as lightly as the new snow, cinematic
Onto the melting boy, and melt away
You light as gently, you're so cinematic
Bathed in your radiance

You land as lightly as the new snow, cinematic
You land as lightly as the new snow, and melt away
You land as lightly as the new snow, cinematic
Bathed in your radiance, I melt

last late night of the break, so im up horribly late. yep. im gonna brush my teeths and go to bed now though. i hope everyone and an awesome valentines day weekend. and remember, breathe in for luck. goodnight.

well im glad to say steam was successfully defeated at the lan today. haha YES! and my diet consisted of mostly mountain dew (24 oz for lunch, 64 oz for dinner) so now im eating a quessadia, some real like food. its quite good. haha and for breakfast i had 2 eggos and a red bull. KICKASS! hmm....yeah man...i didnt really want to leave at lunch, and it probably would have been better if i didnt. because of sarcastic comments made. gar. and man.. i have no freakin clue what im going to do this weekend except for sunday. yes indeedy. eh i dunno what to write. im still hungry, think ill toast myself a bagel or two. goodnight.

wow! MEGS! I was going to post these lyrics today. lol. well great minds think alike yeah? Hey im really sorry, i wanted to talk to you today about all the junk going through my skull, but it was really busy, missing the ride home, fights with my dad, then swimteam, then i got home and called an old friend of mine who ive been meaning to call for a long time. and then i called kaiti back cause she called while i was gone. and then bed. gar. well "bed". here i am up at 12:30 on the freakin computer. lol. but hey, sorry, just dont take today as me not wanting to talk to you about stuff. i really wanted to but it was jampact and i was out of time before i could see you online or call you. and no its not really a front. im alright. just a couple things were making me blah. so no worries k? =) well im gonna get a nice cool glass of water and then get some sleep. goodnight,

and now the lyrics.


Ender Will Save Us All - Dashboard Confessional


It's just like you to contest
Wear it like a label on your breast
don't you see what this takes of me?
A certain callousness complies
With your charm and in your pride
a hopeful look draped in despise.

I want to give you
whatever you need.
What is it you need?
Is it what I need?
I want to give you
whatever you need.
What is it you need?
Is it within me?

It's hard to explain how I am getting by
on so little from you.
It's hard to believe that I would let myself
get so wrapped into you.
There's got to be something that would
be worthwhile for me to give to you.
We need a connection but you
seem to push me far away from you, from you, from you.

The harder I push the further I fall.
Well you don't mind me being headstrong.
But you don't want to sing along.
Maybe it's trite but I can always, always, always be wrong

It's just like you to contest
Wear it like a label on your breast
don't you see what this takes of me?
A certain callousness complies
With your charm and in your pride
a hopeful look draped in despise.

I want to give you
whatever you need.
What is it you need?
Is it what I need?
I want to give you
whatever you need.
What is it you need?
Is it within me?

It's hard to explain how I am getting by
on so little from you.
It's hard to believe that I would let myself
get so wrapped into you.
There's got to be something that would
be worthwhile for me to give to you.
We need a connection but you
seem to push me far away from you, from you, from you.


The harder I push the further I fall.
Well you don't mind me being headstrong.
But you don't want to sing along.
Maybe it's trite but I can always, always, always be wrong, be wrong, be wrong
Try not to be, try not to be, try not to be, try not to be wrong