failure is always easy. its like suicide for the soul. i bet i sound so stupid right now while i talk to you. because i cant think at all. anger and frustration. ive spent my whole life trying not to be typical. but typical seems to be a black hole thats sucking me in. and i hate it.

i cry bloody tears
im cut on the inside
took a blow to the heart
stabbed it with my ignorance

well. how do i say this. wow. i dont know. i feel really good right now. and yes. the poem wasnt really about me thinking that you guys dont tell me anything. it was more a bad remenice on a bad feeling. you actually make me feel trusted and its a great feeling. both of you. megan, kaiti, i just need to say thank you. tomorrow when i come early and see you to im just going to freak out and give you both huge hugs. AHHHHH!!! *scream of joy as i come running for a tackle hug! haha!* . looking up on these backed entries its like im on an emotional roller coaster. and i think it was oh-so-dumb of me. but now that we've talked things are so much better. i feel so much better. i swear, you have a talent for pulling me out of my own quicksand. haha. you'll be the death of me. im going to explode from too much good feeling. now. there is one legendary emo face for this feeling. GIANT GRIN WITH SQUINTY EYES! BEHOLD! XD


lol yes. awesome. also Good Charlotte - Moving on is a really awesome song so thats what this snipet is from goodnight.

"Life!
Hope!
Truth!
Trust!
Faith!
Pride!
Love!
Lust!"

useless
alone
unwanted
no-one's confidant.

trying to hard
but maybe youll see
you can always trust but you can never trust me
no-ones confidant

a soul feeding on bad emotion
and it spreads through like a poison
let me bleed it out
drip it on the floor
let it satin like the past

screaming "JUST SHUT UP"
my head is only silent long enough to let it echo
before its drowned in possibility

my own confidant

so yes. school. wednesday. i was there for the whole colaberation time. an hour before school. i listened to music and drew and read manga and drew and listened to music. then found kaiti, and half tackled her. haha it was quite fun. and we got out snow glo pics! there awesome, i think i look dumb of course, but there still great. black and white. quite puzzling. but cool. and the rest of the day i spent zoning out. and reading manga. and listening to music. and the fire alarm got pulled twice today. and it was nice and cold outside. yep. and megan had gone missing. it wasnt cool. we looked for her but no. blah. then we found out she went home. so then rest of the school day. spacing out. then afterward i was talking a walk down to the bandroom. cause you never know she might have come back yeah? or i could catch kaiti there maybe and it would be fun. so yeah...walking listening to music and...down the hill...its kaiti. so i like ran and half tackled her again. haha it was definitely awesome. haha. and then her bus was late. and she was talking about waiting 45 minutes the last time. and so yeah. offered her a ride because thats just not cool. of course her bus pulls up as were walking to the car, but it was good. because we decided to surprise megan. hope she feels better. gar. saw some of dirty dancing. looks like a good movie but ive never seen it. im movie deprived. blarghy. so yeah... i guess im done. i love this song by the way.


Good Charlotte - Bloody Valentine

Oh, my love, please don't cry
I'll wash my bloody hands and we'll start a new life

I ripped out his throat
And called you on the telephone to take off my disguise
Just in time to hear you cry

When you mourn the death of your bloody valentine
The night he died
You mourned the death of your bloody valentine
One last time

Singing...

Oh my love please don't cry I'll wash my bloody hands
And we'll start a new life
I don't know much at all, I don't know wrong from right
All I know is that I love you tonight

There was...
Police and flashing lights
The rain came down so hard that night and the
Headlines read "a lover died"
No tell-tale heart was left to find

When you mourn the death of your bloody valentine
The night he died
You mourned the death of your bloody valentine
One last time

Singing...

Oh my love please don't cry I'll wash my bloody hands
And we'll start a new life
I don't know much at all, I don't know wrong from right
All I know is that I love you tonight

Tonight...

He dropped you off I followed him home
Then I stood outside his bedroom window
Standing over him he begged me not to do
What I knew I had to do 'cause I'm so in love with you

Oh my love please don't cry I'll wash my bloody hands
And we'll start a new life
I don't know much at all, I don't know wrong from right
All I know is that I love you tonight

Tonight...

so yes. just sittin. talking to megs about life stoof. (thats stuff with an accent if you didnt know) and im listening to the good charlotte CD that kaiti burned me. "the young and the hopeless" an awesome CD. possibly my new favorite. awesome songs include:

Lifestyles Of The Rich And Famous
Wondering
My Old Man
Boys & Girls
Bloody Valentine
Riot Girl

the rest i didnt listen too deeply too because i was talking to megs and reading a couple blogs.

last night i was up till 2:30AM reading "Self- Reliance" by Emerson. i suggest you read it. you can at This Link Roight Here. or youll read it junior year if you take AP english at ferris high. rar. its a bitchen essay. it really made me think about my life. and a lot of his points i absolutely agreed with and i didnt even know about myself. of course one of his other points was how poeple dont notice things about themselves or dont accept them untill someone else mentions them. crazy people. im gonna quote a bunch of stuff. but later cause its long. so heres one.

"The other terror that scares us from self-trust is our consistency; a reverence for our past act or word, because the eyes of others have no other data for computing our orbit than our past acts, and we are loath to disappoint them.

But why should you keep your head over your shoulder? Why drag about this corpse of your memory, lest you contradict somewhat you have stated in this or that public place? Suppose you should contradict yourself; what then? It seems to be a rule of wisdom never to rely on your memory alone, scarcely even in acts of pure memory, but to bring the past for judgment into the thousand-eyed present, and live ever in a new day."

and heres the lyrics to a totally awesome song!

Good Charlotte - Riot Girl

She's got tattoos and piercings
She like Minor Threat, she likes Social Distortion
My girl's a hot girl
A hood rat who needs an attitude adjustment

Christina wouldn't wanna meet her
She hates you Britney so you better run for cover
My girl's a hot girl
A riot girl and she's angry at the world

Emergency call 911,
She's pissed off at everyone
Police, Rescue, FBI she wants a riot, she wants a riot

And everywhere we go she gets us thrown out constantly
But that's OK 'cause I know, I know
I know my baby would do anything for me, yeah

Christina wouldn't wanna meet her
She hates you Britney so you better run for cover
My girl's a hot girl
A riot girl and she's angry at the world

Emergency call 911,
She's pissed off at everyone
Police, Rescue, FBI she wants a riot
She wants a riot, she wants a riot

Don't you know that all I really want is you?
Gotta know that all I really want is you

Emergency call 911,
She's pissed off at everyone
Police, Rescue, FBI she wants a riot, she wants a riot

Emergency call 911,
She wants a riot, she wants a riot
Police, Rescue, FBI she wants a riot, she wants a riot

haha. yes. last night was a downer. but it made me realise a lot of things. like im done with overthinking. im done with overanalyzing. time to live. time to freaking live life. and the fact that your a part of my life makes it just so awesome. so what do you say...let simple things be simple things? i care about you, absolutely. so lets just sit back and have some good times. youve always brought me out of my own crap. thank you so much for being there.

Plain White T's - Fireworks (the whole song is bold because it effing rocks so much!!!![also i made it more bigger...^_^])

Well I don't mind waiting 'til you're comfortable with me
But what's it gonna take to prove that I'm for real?
'Cause you know how I feel about you
You know I can't live without you
I just wanna stay and make it real

'Cause I know, you know
it can't get much better
Fireworks flyin' whenever we're togetherhey
I know, you know, that I know you love me

Well I've made up my mind that I want you to be the one
The one I wanna be with when I'm ninety-two

I just wanna feel you tonight
making sure the moment's just right
I could die just staring in your eyes
I just wanna feel your heartbeat
hold you even closer to me
Fall asleep with you right by my side
We'll see fireworks tonight

I've waited all my life to make this perfect every way
And sharing it with you would make it even more than that
We'll see fireworks tonight