well. lan party. nothing special about it. now i know we'll have to go to midnight office space in out pjs with cerial! and by the way. i love this song.


Plain White T's - Fireworks


Well I don't mind waiting 'til you're comfortable with me
But what's it gonna take to prove that I'm for real?
'Cause you know how I feel about you
You know I can't live without you
I just wanna stay and make it real

'Cause I know, you know
it can't get much better
Fireworks flyin' whenever we're together
I know, you know, that I know you love me

Well I've made up my mind that I want you to be the one
The one I wanna be with when I'm ninety-two

I just wanna feel you tonight
making sure the moment's just right
I could die just staring in your eyes
I just wanna feel your heartbeat
hold you even closer to me
Fall asleep with you right by my side
We'll see fireworks tonight

I've waited all my life to make this perfect every way
And sharing it with you would make it even more than that
We'll see fireworks tonight

yeah. lan tomarrow. i realised i was tired as hell. so im going to bed now. man shaving would be so much easier if the face wasnt so damn uneven. heh. well today was a good day. it'll be easy to fall asleep. goodnight. oh. heres some kickass lyrics.

Creed - Stand Here With Me

You always reached out to me and helped me believe
All those memories we share
I will cherish every one of them
The truth of it is there's a right way to live
And you showed me
So now you live on in the words of a song
You're a melody

You stand here with me now

Just when fear blinded me you taught me to dream
I'll give you everything I am and still fall short of
What you've done for me
In this life that I live
I hope I can give love unselfishly
I've learned the world is bigger than me
You're my daily dose of reality

You stand here with me now

On and on we sing
On and on we sing this song

'Cause you stand here with me

i love the moments where im just holding onto you. its like im back in the place we made for ourselves. everything else just goes away. and its just you and me. and i promise for a million more and then some.

"I remember, you put a chill across my face
Like the air of December
I swear I'll remember it that way
I swear I'll remember it…"

ok so man. i was feeling bad last night and i didnt know why. blogs are a very strange thing. in my case anyway. its like my life, but with holes in it. so yeah, leaving people wondering and whatnot. anyway. id have to say. best end of the year party EVAR! hahaaa evar. and ok. time for a lovely long story. so yesterday. i had things figured out. and i told kayte that when i did shed be the first to know. so after trying to call her for half an hour then getting through and there being no one there...yeah. sort of mad that i could kep to my word on that one. so i left for coffe with megs. and yeah. that was fun. i tell ya. like there was coffee.(duh) and then i told her how i felt. she had this great smile that blew me away and i didnt know what to say after that. she got her two..and another. haha and i got my kick! yes! so then we had a nice walk thru river park square. and criticizing the running men. yes, boobs dont really look like that. haha. and sitting on the bench in front of abecrombie. asking why they use naked people to advertise cloths. geh beats the hell outta me. haha. but entertaining. then back to starbucks. and her ride being late. standing out in lovely cold. haha yes. i like the cold. and then yes. good times. so then getting home and having to make a phone call. which i even stalled with myself for. hah. yeah. all it was was really two scentences. and then we said goodbye. ...hah. brb, need more sparkling cider. heh yeah. i didnt need to type that, but i did anyway. so yeah. then i was feeling pretty bad. cause yeah. things that were said. but i was in fact really excited and happy. i guess just exhausted. *sigh*. so today. woke up feeling better. much better. and kaiti took me to peter pan. dude, i didnt think it would be that good, but holy crap. that movie is awesome. theres no question, i have to take megan to it. haha. totally makes me want to fly. and yes, yesterday i got my first flying lesson.

so now about tonight, and i say that even though its 2:22 AM. haha so after the movie, kaiti and i walked around a bunch. it was soo cool. ice sculptures with chainsaws. also fire. happy drunk people havin a good time. they blocked off around river park square so you could walk down the street. it was great. gah man. megan i wish you were there. so next year. haha we all have to go. so then kaiti gave me some CDs she burnt. aweseome. and before that i gave her her sketch pad. late late christmas present. excellent rap job. haha. and then we booked down to megs's party. haha ohhh man. totally best new years clebratory dealy EVAR!...wait did i already say that? ah who cares. and oh that just reminded me about megan dying her hair dark brown with red highlights. haha. dude, you have no idea...(well actually most of the people who read this do) it looks so good. just absolutely gorgeous. and she wore it down tonight. haha bitchen. atleast i dont think it was poking you in the eye this time. heh. and yeah. so i get there. and theres lisa's giant boots which were awesome. and downstairs with music. and holy crap. a LOT of silly string fights. Ian (Peter) was there and i believe he intigated most of them. but a lot of people got it, like in the eye and badness. my glasses saved me the first time, but im still picking it out of my hair. hah. and oh man, it was bad. i dont remember if it was liz or nikki, i think it was nikki, but she got megs really bad. yeah it didnt arasol right so it came out in a big wet spray. bad. she had to change her cloths. and i believe someone got it on the videotape we were making. HAHA. yeah, that video camera was fun. just taping us being nuts. so lets see, who was there. me, megan, kaiti, nikki, lisa, peter. liz and sara were in for periods. gar i dont believe im forgetting anyone. but yea. lisa is a nut for sparkling cider. "Yeah I always have a bottle to myself on every holiday. New years, christmas....tuesday." haha made me laugh quite much. yeah i was worried about kaiti for a while. she didnt seem to be alright during a lot of it. but she seemed to get better at the end. oh yeah i almost for got. we bought bags of candy during our walk around. because i was late and so we just waited for the next showing. haha. yeah. bought candy. gummy bears. and sour patch, and jaw breakers and runts. then some spree. hah good times. definitely. and the walk in the snow to walk kaiti home after the partay was fun. heh. GLOVE BOWL! very nice. haha loads of head in the gutter jokes from peter. heh. good stuff. haha. laughing is good. ah man though. nikki had had a bad year...and so had a lot of other people. megan. and i cant remember if the stuff that was bad with me was this year. actually i believe it was, well some of it. i can only remember in school years. sucks. anyway. i think almost everyone can find bad things about this past year. if not everyone. but the year is a new one. time to hopefully move past some things. and ill quote the counting crows here: "A long December and theres reason to believe, maybe this year be better than the last." definitely. i havent thought about resolutions, but ill get back to you on that. yeah. i ended up setting my watch alarm and we watch dick clark and the ball drap and all that goodness. and lovely kisses all around. and hugs are for everyone!...wait..isnt that chainsaws!? haha great times. so ive got enough sparkling cider left in my glass for a last toast. time to remember the old and remember what ive learned this past year. time to look at now and be excited about the new. so heres to new beginnings. cheers and happy new year everyone.

so yeah. ive got some feelings on this. and eventhough all this great stuff is happening. i think i might take some time to bitch, because my stomach ist feeling right, and neither am i.

"You weren't who I thought you were. Just another stupid guy. An asshole. Seemed different, but in the end, you're just like any other guy. A jerk and a hypocrite. Thanks for nothing. "

"Don't try to say you understand, because I'm sure you don't. Just for fun, I dug this out for you.
What I'm getting at here with all this? It's a big fuck you. Because I don't care anymore."

of course what you dug up was me talking about how guys are great at screwing things up. even though its words. it still stings. because i believe your bring honest. atleast your honest. cant ask for more really. and dont try to say i understand? guess what. yeah its true. ive never had anything quite like this before happen. but you can bet ive been the one whos not been chosen before. yeah. i was bitter about it. haha. really bitter, in fact that how i became better friends with the other guy who liked her. except that she said she felt somthing for me (or felt somthing but didnt know what it really was, to tell you the truth, i cant realy remember). and then out of nowhere got with another guy. blew me off. man i was pissed. but her and i are still friends. i mean. im talking to her now. lol. anyway. im feeling better. and i lost my train of thought. ill contiue later.

yeah. i know i havent posted in a while. sorry. so heres an entry talking about how i didnt post. hahaa...yep. im done.

this is breaking me. im messing up everying without even trying. in every choice somthing bad happens. when help me is a plea with no answer.

dont try to run from fate. all you acomplished is that now instead of a lecture, you get an ass kicking. and fate will always catch you. in this case. all i can do is wait. for fate to punch me in the face. cant run now. and the stupid boy is forced to take it like a man. its whats expected.

im such a fool..

"if i said i didnt like it then you know i lied"

"I don't want to miss out on life because I'm afraid of what might happen. It doesn't need to be "perfect". As long as it's with you..."

"Vaugeness is intentional here, and I refuse to elaborate."

two very good quotes. from megs and kayte.

"Sometimes youve got to fold before you're found out."
"You color the coast with your smile. Its the most genuine thing I've ever seen. I was so lost and now I believe."

and those are from dashboard confessional. and so is the title of this post but i skewed it around to make it first person.

shit. i dont know what im doing. i think too much for my own good.

"i'll be true, i'll be useful...
i'll be cavalier...i'll be yours my dear.
and i'll belong to you...
if you'll just let me through."

dashboard again.

i findmyself longing for things to stop being how they are. i wish SOMTHING would happen. im in this inbetween stage where things are confusing and contradictory. and i cant get rid of this headache. fuck.